I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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