there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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