You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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