It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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