Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
