The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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