around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
