I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
