Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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