I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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