I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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