I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
