Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize