Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My first STD was from a foam party
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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