My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize