a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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