nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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