Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
