Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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