did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize