Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
