I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
