Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
