The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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