I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
