apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
