If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are the jesus of drinking
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
