So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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