watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize