you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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