the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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