Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
