If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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