the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
