It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
