I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
