mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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