4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
