How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize