if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
