if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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