between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
