can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
we're so committed to being not committed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
