Me. At least after what I've been through.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
