She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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