Don't make out with my wife yet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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