I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
