Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
