Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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