I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
