I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
