i may or may not be watching the land before time
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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