My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
