i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
