so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
