I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
