My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize