Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
