pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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