ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
