its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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