If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
