Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
