My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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