is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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