I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
