Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
